Shrug off your problems and breath O2
Our lifes are face with constant pop-up of problems, starting from school, working life, social circle and family. It is a nonstop dancing in circles with problems always chasing after us. The problem seems tag or stuck onto a person for years, he shrugs his head. His eyes glued on the floor cursing himself for not able to solve the problem, his mood increase in bad temper. He is doom to misery and couldn’t smile anymore. He tried hard, but couldn’t bring himself up to counter the problem. He is a disgrace to the family, for not able to bring home some bread crumbs.
This is the society, when the employed man, suddenly ousted out of work. You know at the age of 50 it is not easy to find work. He panic, tried sending resumes, but in vain. What should he do? He called S.O.S for help. But no one answer the call. Engage tone tut tut tut… His parents and siblings just don’t bother. This is the society where self interest prevails. The man was cursed and accused for being lazy. It seems the world is upon him.
What should he do?
I’m writing this article sympathizing towards people who are facing this problem. It is the hardest part in a person’s life.
The education and discipline in life taught us to do our best to achieve success, but the people around us, look at failure as a taboo which should be hindered, and everyone pursue success because they are afraid of failure. Failure is like junk.
Do you know what happen to the Japanese? Failure is a disgrace; they would plunge their airplanes onto a vessel and sunk it, even though they have to face the consequences of death. Their motto: “Dignity is better than being disgrace of failure” Some fail their exams in the University; the best solution is to commit suicide because their life does not benefit their society. Some failed in love affairs; the solution is just killing one self.
You see; the pavement towards success has many hurdles or challengers. The more hurdles a person manages to solve the more experience and skilful he becomes. I personally hate TV music shows; which portrays novice singing the latest hit to be the top singer in his country. The reason is that the singer will be criticised in public and that hurts a person’s feeling. People need praises to be strong, but being cursed or criticised in public is like being sentence on an electric chair of death.
An old friend came to me for advice with tears dripping on her cheeks. My son had a fatal accident and his head broken. He is in coma for 2 years. I suffered and couldn’t take it anymore. Can I just take off his apparatus and let him die. I look at her and my eyes watery, I stated affirmatively: Dear friend; you cried to see your child surfer in coma, but perhaps he is fighting for his life, and using his last strength and effort to say that he loves you, but unfortunately he couldn’t lift his thumb or show any movement to you. You should in fact be perseverance and strong in such situation. Taking your child’s life doesn’t solve the problem; because it doesn’t make any different if he lives or die. If he lives, he might be crippled for life, but if he died it release the pain. But if you choose the option to let him off the apparatus and seeing him dying, you will blame yourself for the rest of your life for that decision that you made.
In another scenario; a woman explains to me regarding her husband. They are happily married for the past 30 years, but the marriage life is shaken into pieces due to a third party in their life. The man married a younger woman without telling her, and she was cheated for the past 6 years. I told her for whatever situation she is facing; I want her to appreciate the happiness for the past 30 years, a challenge just arrived at your door steps knocking down the pillars of marriage life. As usual the woman points the finger at the husband for eying other woman and trapped him into marriage. I said; love relationship should be nurtured, but sometimes we take it for granted. The first years like honeymoon but as the years past by we neglected and don’t bother much about our spouse. Now he turned towards other woman. As usual the woman will insult and curse her itchy husband, the woman neglects reflecting herself in the mirror. It is easy to blame others but not ourselves.
Complaints against man
Before I reply to resolve her problem. I need feed back from our readers.
x6admin: Dear friends could you help this woman in deep despair?
Somebody replied: Yea! I think the man is irresponsible, his eyes usually follows and glued at some pretty lady.
Some said: The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is “mental cruelty.” When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they have been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband’s efforts to drive them crazy. It is usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating other forms of neglect.
Another reason for divorce reported almost as much as mental cruelty is “neglect” itself. These include both emotional abandonment and physical abandonment.
I said again: Dear sis, you have two options; to live and accept the fate and share the love. Or request a divorce and focus your life with your children. Don’t over stress yourself and becomes depress, depression will make you mentally ill. Don’t blame yourself in such trivial situation, but instead take it as a challenge. Look high, and be strong, you still have a house to shelter and your children. But there are divorcees who have no home to shelter and neglected from finance support.
Well, it is easy to say than done. But this is life, we need to be realistic, and wake up from our dreams. To realized the pain of life and endure miseries. Is this fate? May be.
Sometimes emotions overrides rationale, and some person tends to solve problems via emotions, but emotions are just internal feelings which explode due to years of torture. But rational approach solve concrete problem, looking at different facet of solutions. But not all problems have solutions. It is there to keep us busy thinking of a solution and our mind boggling for the best solution, balance between duties and thinking of some relevant solutions.
I just want to share a terrible experience I recently had which makes me panic searching for a solution, but the experience created some skills. Recently my word press site had error 310 due to redirect links. When I click a navigation tab, it opens an error message. I can’t access my site URL. And worse I can’t log in to my dashboard. Later I had broken image displayed on by media tab. I did some research for 3 consecutive days trying to solve that problem and at last I hit the jackpot. Now the website is back to normal. Thanks for those guys cranking in some message in forums, it is so valuable when we have a problem, and the solution is out there. It needs some scavenging and then BAM you got it.
Dear friends, I just wanted to quote here some amazing findings; we have a situation; a man out of job and needs to feed his family and paying bills. A woman who wants to resolve her son’s coma by taking off the apparatus. And a woman who is in deep depression because her husband gets another beauty queen and she wants divorce as a final solution.
But how should I start this resolution?
Let’s be practical and solving the issue by writing down a plan. Usually we look at a problem which causes a person to react; such as emotional reaction or blaming others. We never look behind the steps that actually create the problem. Let’s look at the problem at a psychological approach.
First; let’s look at the problem itself, if the understanding of a situation has a wrong perception then the resolution will end with a wrong implementation.
Let’s create a statement: the pavement is wet because it rains. The statement might be true, but the pavement is wet because the cleaner washed the floor. You just noticed here that the statement is false because it isn’t raining. To solve a problem by just looking at the impact would not solve it, because of a different perspective of understanding.
Problem solving is a skill; the ability to apply resolution needs various tools or feedback. The steps:
- Recognizing the problem: what cause the problem?
- Searching for relevant information: Google for solution via forums or article
- Labeling the problem; Is it cause by a plug-in or is it cause by a corrupted htaccess file and so on..
- Taking actions; by analyzing and implementation with different techniques of resolution.
When a problem arises, I could not just copy from the previous solution and paste it on to a different scenario. It wouldn’t work. Every problem needs to be technically disseminated and analyzed. We need to brainstorm the cause and ask questions.
First option, that need your consideration
If you have decided to split ways, you need to consider the impact of separation; because your decision also affects your children. The children need their dad and learn something from him, they also need their mom to nurture them.
Things that you need to visualize before filing the divorce in court. And the chances of survival.
- You need to heal the pain.
- Taking and nurturing your children. For single mom you face head on challengers. Understand that your financial income will drop off 37%
- Self support; don’t expect your husband will give monthly payout. Yea! It is his duty to support the kids, but comes to worse, we wouldn’t pay.
- Paying your own bills and house loans.
- Paying education for the kids
You are now busy with your job and house chores, but did you notice the change that’s transforming your children, are they mixing with bad groups and ending with drug abuse, or smoking. And worse coming home hiding herself, because she is pregnant.
If you take the second option:
Negotiate and talk him out of the situation. In this situation you need to express your feelings and thoughts, and telling him it really hurts. Tell him: that he annoys you and considering the children future, I do not want them to live neglected from love and financial support. You should also realize that you also do make mistake. Some woman noticed the husband mistakes or annoying behaviour but sometime we overlook ourselves.
If this is your option; you are still able to keep the family intact and shelter your children. You should develop remedial relationship, and focus on your husband interest, and try to understand him better. Husband focuses a lot of effort on the work he is doing, and sometimes could not do simple chores. He thinks life in boxes, this box for him to focus at his job. This box for having relationship with the wife, etc… The husband could not multitask like women. Their eyes can only focus 45 degrees whereas women have more visual distance than men.
Please do appreciate his effort to keep the family financially alive. Talk to him to make some changes; to play a bigger role as role exemplar at home.
Recognizing the cause of the problem
- What’s causing the problem?
- Is it entirely my husband’s fault?
- Is my relationship with my spouse healthy?
- Did we talk and solve family issues?
- Did I build ambiance at home with love and care?
- Did I curse him for being a nuisance at home?
- Did I show respect and listen to his advice?
Do you know what your husband is thinking? He is sitting on his couch watching TV, but his mind is wandering about his site or blog that was hacked or has htaccess problem. or perhaps his thinking….. and you came over to him not with a come of coffee, to ease off his problem but telling him to do something. You know men have less words than women. if he talks too much at work, he came home depleted of words.
After recognizing the cause of the problem, the next step is to follow up with relevant information.
Follow up with relevant information.
Is there any government support for widows, my children finance support. Google or read a book about relationship. How did other widows cope up with divorce? Is there a forum or group which I can participate in discussions?
Should I meet a marriage consultant and get expert advice? What are my abilities to self support myself and children? Could I get mortgage finance for a house? Should I meet an attorney to claim my rights?
Next step; Labeling the problem
I have devoted my life wholly to my family and especially my spouse. I have neglected to be self reliance.
Next step: taking actions;
By analyzing and implementation with different techniques of resolution. You need to right down on a piece of paper by writing short phrase. What are the possible solutions and option in hand? For the divorcee; perhaps two options, to live and accept the fate having to share the love with the spouse, or embark on a single voyage as a widow taking care of the kids.
For the unemployed man; he needs to search or Google for jobs, strike off the list things that he had tried to do, and refresh with other unforeseen projects. The key don’t give up!
In some cases, the solution is just in front of you waiting to be discovered, but we did not realize it. We have actually dealt the problem in the past, and suddenly the hidden insight just pop up revealing a solution. The insight comes from a mental process which leads to discover that solution that springs from the sub conscious mind.
Stephen Hawking: “The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance; it is the illusion of knowledge.”
The enemy lies within us, when the mind is not open to inputs or research. The set back is due to our thoughts and trap in history and boundaries. We need to break the cocoon within our thoughts and open our eyes near and far. Only you control your life when you make a decision to strive. Stop blaming others as a refuge of your weakness. But start planning your future because you are writing your history. Shrug off your old negative thoughts and breathe fresh oxygen O2.
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